Saturday, April 30, 2005

lugubrious pandas stole my shoehorn

Maud Lynn was 16 years old when her parents died in a tragic backhoe accident, as opposed to a fortunate and wonderful accident. although in some countries she would already have been married and have two children, as a "child" in a westernized and modern country, she was deemed too young to survive on her own, and was relegated to the care of close friends of her parents until she turned 18 and could strike out on her own.
i'm trying my hand at subliminal messages, mostly cause i am bored
aahhh, i don't feel like writing the damn story, but it's been stuck in my head for a day or two now. she goes on to live with the only friends her parents had, Miles and Rosaria Long, both 34 years old, barely twice her age. the love has died out of their marriage and they are about to split up, both distant but cordial, and maud sees this and feels she can bring them back together, somehow.
if you somehow find this, please ignore my pathetic attempts
maud is not ignorant and is a bit precocious. she first seduces rosaria when, like in a shitty disney movie that is remade ad nauseum, the roles are reversed and the adult seeks guidance and advice from the child, who is mature enough to manipulate and guide the adult. sex ensues. ok, here are my pathetic attempts:
then maud seduces miles, who, with a bit of guilt, allows himself to fall for the excitement of such a shameful (by modern western standards) tryst.
retarius is the coolest motherfucker on the planet
once maud has secuded and had both adults in bed, she brings them both into bed simultaneoulsy, where the spark of lust and love is re-ignited, thanks to maud, and they all three live on lustily and happily etc etc etc.
tell all your friends and family to read retarius' blog, its so damn funny. the funniest ever.
ok, so people will see the 16 year old girl as disgusting, and it kind of is, but it struck me recently how we seem to have changed our ideas on age. i was listening to my ringo star cd, and the song your sixteen came on. it was about falling in love with a 16 year old. then, listeing to the old chuck berry tune memphis tenesee, where the guy calls up long distance information, it clearly says "marie is only six years old." what the fuck is that? anyway, the story appears to be disgusting cause the catalyst is a 16 year old girl, but it seems only recently, possibly cause we now live to be 80 years old or more, that 16 is too young.
if you are a female, you want to have sex with retarius. men, you want your wives to have sex with him.
makes me wonder, if we extend the average life expectancy to 130, if people are routinely living until 120 years old, will 20 be too young? people will be like "eww, that chick is only 20, you sick fuck!"
if you do stumble onto this, let me know by saying you like jellybeans.
anway, the idea of a young woman seducing an older woman, then a guy, then bringing them together thanks to lust and manipulation, that sounds like a pretty damn cool story. but i don't feel like writing it, so there is the idea. i'm sure whatever you come up with in your heads will be far better anyway...

Friday, April 29, 2005

abattoir and costello

what the hell is up with chicks? how the hell am i supposed to be the guy they want when *THEY* don't know what they want? they want a tough man who can protect them, but they want a guy who is gentle and tender. at least i thought that is what they want. boy was i wrong.

i was on a date and blew it with this chick, cause i guess i was too "in touch" with my feelings, or whatever, and i cried during a movie, and i can only assume that is what turned her off to me.

i am a pretty manly macho kind of guy. i have lots of hair on my back, i curse like a sailor, i'll drink and come to fisticuffs for just a wrong glance, and have been kicked out of church on more than one occasion for drunken brawling.

but even with all that, i am tender, and i guess showing her my soft side was too much for this chick to handle. she came over for dinner and a movie, and even though the dinner went ok, during the movie i let my tough exterior fade for a few seconds, i cried at the end of the movie, and i can only assume she just didn't want a pansy for a boyfriend.

i rented the movie slam it in every hole and there is a scene at the end with two guys who are fucking this girl, one from behind while she blows the other one. well, at the climactic end when they stand on either side of her and she is on her knees, bravely jerking them both off with all she has, they both blow thier loads on her face simultaneously. this scene, with the emotion, and the soundtrack pulling at your heartstrings in the background, was just too much for me, and i got all choked up and cried. what can i do, i am only human.

so she abruptly ended the date and told me not to call her anymore. if only i could find a woman who can appreicate a tender guy with feelings such as myself.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

fuck a bunch of jack london

i'm kinda busy right now, doing lots of things that keep me from doing things i want to do, and when i am done being busy doing all these things i will have nothing to show for it, whereas if i were doing the things i would want to do, i would have tangible results and evidence that i actually did something.

so i won't be writing here for the rest of the week. possibly on saturday or sunday i might write. by monday i should be writing again.

i was going to do a "clip show" just like they do on tv when they show a bunch of clips from past epidsodes loosely tied together with some lame plot. i might still do that, but it would require me to go through my blog and find what i want and link those stories, so i don't see it happening anytime soon. i was going to do a clip show and link the "SNACKTRUCK" post and the "cockring kiosk" post and the instant justice man post and the afrocat post and it would have all been linked with a story. uh oh, my short attention span is kicking in, i can feel it. i better go now.

Monday, April 25, 2005

old people smell bad

holy crap what kick ass day, you would never believe it.

i had just finished my mayonaise flavored slimfast shake and two diet cigarettes (yes, i am on a health kick) when i got a knock on the door. it was the guy from down the street. i could tell he had just finished working out cause his eyelids, which are more muscular than your average joe's, had a light sheen of sweat and were still ripped and pumped. he needed help.

see, i am like the encyclopedia brown of my neighborhood, people come to me to help them with thier problems like i'm scooby fucking doo, but i can't say no to them, i'm just not that kind of guy.

so this guy needed my help. now, usually when a guy comes to me for help, it's either to help them defend themself against an angry mob armed with pitchforks and torches, or they are being scared off thier land by what appears to be some kind of ghost, or other odd jobs that only i, with my varied and rare talents, am able to handle. one time, this dude asked me if i would be a "present" for his adopted asian twins on thier 21's birthday, which sounded like a sweet gig. turns out they were brothers, so that wasn't really a high moment for me, but a job's a job, heh?

well, this guy needed me to recover some "personal property" of his, and i do honor my clients privacy, so i won't go into details, but let me say this...knowing i am an expert in colonial furniture *AND* a master of the pan flute, it's no surprise he came to me. he dropped the 35 cents in my jar (my going rate) and i was on the case.

no sooner had i stepped outside my secretly fortified clubhouse/home/rented out garage and turned the corner when*WACK* i was run over by what felt like dumptruck on cocaine. after a few dazed seconds that anyone at burning man would have been fond of, i heard a voice...a voice of an angel. "how's your head?" it inquired of me. i looked up and saw a beautiful brunette lass, about my height, with shoulder length hair and cerulean eyes and a cute accent. "well," i said in my coolest voice, " i haven't had any complaints yet...are you free for lunch?"

as she helped me to me feet, she introduced herself as Monica Crumbcake, and it was her kangaroo that ran me over. she was from australia, and said things like "g'day" , "no worries" and "crikey" and kept offering me "vegemite" and asking if i heard the latest midnight oil cd, cause those are sterotypical things an australian might say in a movie by someone who doesn't know crap about australians, and that is how i am going to write this story so don't get all upset with me cause you don't really talk like that (i'm talking to you, australians).

monica explained that it was important we get the kangaroo back because this roo was actually hundreds of years old and is very special. this roo has a microchip implanted in it's tail, and on that chip is a map to a hidden temple where they keep "the book of all knowledge" which is a huge book of the true history of this world and has all the answers to all the secrets of the universe, including what the hell is *really* in an orange julius and where the white goes when the snow melts. the reason that kangaroo has it is every few hundreds of years, the microchip (yes, the microchip is thousands of years old, i mean, it was made by the creator(s) of the universe, if they can make a universe, they can make a damn microchip. duh!) it is transferred to a special animal, always different, who keeps it for a few hundred years, along with one human who has to guard the animal. it exists hidden until mankind can get thier shit together and prove that they can handle the truth about everything.

so we track down the kangaroo and monica was so happy and impressed with me, she invited me up to her apartment and we had crazy sex, right there in front of the kangaroo, which was cool cause i've never done it with a hot looking 300 year old chick from australia while her kangaroo watched.

but anyway, after all that crap happened, i finally got the complete star wars set on dvd, so it turned out to be an awesome day. KICK ASS!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

i hear feet

for anyone who might not have gotten the last post, if you highlight the blank part, there are words there...it's lame but i was bored and wanted to do something different, hope you all don't mind...


the giant wheel of time has spun around and made it monday once more, and here i sit at the keyboard at a stupid hour of the morning instead of sleeping like a normal human. i sometimes wish i had a reason to stay in bed. of course, when in bed i can't help feeling like i am missing something so i get up. i know i need to go out and run or do something, but my apathy towards it out trumps my desire.

i can't shake the vision and thougts of toilet paper tails, like after you wipe your butt and there is a pice of toilet paper stuck and hanging down like a tail. does this happen to everyone?

i think a fun thing to do would be to walk into a crowd and call out a common name like bill or jim and see if anyone turns around. then when they do act like you know him, say "hey, i thought it was you but weren't sure. how have you been, it's been forever huh?" he of course will not know you, so go on about how you knew each other in highschool. just see how far you go with it. most people think of this as harrasment, maybe a bit creepy. i see it as performance art.

i think i good story would be about a schitzophrenic couple, both the guy and the woman have multiple personalities, and they cheat on each other with each other. i kind of dig the idea, like, you could go on a double date with just two people. if you each had more than one personality, you could have an orgy without needing a large space.

i've been playing the song ziggy stardust on the guitar a lot lately. i like to do that. it's fun and makes me feel good. i just sit and play and scream out the lyrics.

i updated my links list. there is no reasoning to it, so don't take it personal if you arn't on there. you most likely will be eventually.

i'm gonna be busy this week, i might not be writing as much....hah, we'll see if that happens...

like pulling a sword from a stone

if you can read this, then you found the secret message. you kick ass.

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machines and madnessbook review 1605

so i finally, FINALLY finished THE WASTELANDS, THE DARK TOWER III by STEVE KING, 420pp.

thing is, i've been reading the damn thing for like, two weeks now, and it's not that it's difficult or bad, in fact, it's really really good, but it took me two weeks or so cause every time i tried reading i would fall asleep or be interrupted or i was doing stuff. but i finally finished it, and now i have to read some more books quickly so i can get back on track with my goal of reading a book a week.

so the book, i'm probably the last human on earth to read it, was really good. the third book in the dark tower series, written over the course of a few years, recently completed. you can see the evolution of king's writing, see him get better with each book. the first one was good but seemed incomplete, the second was really good, this one was really good as well.

i liked it becasue the book incorporates different things into one whole universe, and king can write a scene that makes you feel and see and smell everything going on. it is a mightly adventure and i'm glad i read it. well written, damned interesting, way worth it. i look forward to reading the rest of the books in the series, and hopefully i won't take as long with them.

Friday, April 22, 2005

no echos in the void

it's friday night, i'm listeing to god knows what the fuck i got in the cd player, hanging out with all my friends..

it's a night of red wine and black vibes, something is in the air, been there for a day or two now, wierd...maybe i'm just not eating right...

it would be cool if i had a suit, a whole suit, made of the little mirrors on a disco ball, so when i walked around and light hit me, i would sparkle and shine and cast wierd prism light all over....especially if i had a cool bowler hat and glasses...

i have some wierd thing stuck in my head, it won't get out, like a fucking piece of meat caught between my upper teeth, and my tongue keeps playing with the little strand that hangs down but i can't get it out...about a cross between shroedinger's cat and a mobius strip....shroedinger's mobius cat, a cat that you can pet his back and stomach without taking your hand off him, and he lives in a box and only exists half the time....whatever...

friendhips and relationshps are like plants...they need nurturing, light and attention and all that, or they wither and die....but you can't spray your friend or lover with miracle grow or they get all upset cause you ruined thier nice shirt....

sometimes it's easy to slip into a feeling or frame of mind, like putting on a broken in pair of jeans or shoes..might not be good for you, but it's familiar and comfortable, even if a bit stinky and ripped up and maybe not appropriate in church, and sometimes you just want the comfort of a known quantity....i wonder if intrepid explorers ever get sick of newness, and just want to go somewhere they've already been, for the familiarity? nah, that's why they are intrepid...

i've never had a torrid affair. i've had lackluster ones, i've had breifly fun and exciting ones, i've had more than i need of crappy ones, but never a torrid one. what would make an affair torrid anyway? when i hear torrid, i always think of hot and sweaty, passionate and deep, reckless and fearless and full throttle...

i think i'm not myself these past few days, which makes me wonder who the fuck is wearing my underwear....i feel like i've been drawn outside the lines, like i fell a bit out of the frame, like i'm just a fraction of a beat out of time with the turning of the world, like i am on a .000000001 second delay, like i use too many fucking examples to explain a point i made about five minutes ago.... i could have sworn i wrote things or said things or did things, and i find out i didn't...as if i did, but not on this here plane of existence, and i've been deja vu ing a lot..which some might take as little more than a sign of fatigue...

fuck it, i'll keep drinking until i'm done...

Thursday, April 21, 2005

This Is An Audio Post Click To Play

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

zombies are the worst drivers, worse than floridians

you should never start off a sentance with "now, i'm not gay or anything, but...." because that is a total conversation killer. not much good can come after those words.

also, you can get away with almost anything if you start a sentance with "with all due respect...."

with all due respect, that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard and i hope you die in a threshing accident.

see, like that..

you can also get away with almost anything if you hold up both hands at chest level, palms out, like you are doing a push up against a wall and tack on "i'm just sayin...."

god, it's amazing what one extra chromosone can do, why didn't you die at birth, you suck. i'm just sayin....

if you combine them both, you are nearly untouchable....

well jim, with all due respect, that idea is the stupidest thing i've ever heard and makes me wonder if you should just commit suicide and make us all happier for not having to deal with you every day, you fucking loser. and i'm having sex with your daughter. i'm just sayin...

have you ever looked at a wall, or the carpet, or a group of trees or whatever, and relaxed and unfocused your eyes like you do when you look at one of those "magic eye" pictures (where you stare at it and see a 3-d picture), and seen a face? you look at a cieling and the shadows and marks make a face? it's happened to me a few times, not so much anymore, but i got to thinking, what if that is actually a spirit or something, perhpas a "fingerprint" of a soul that is no longer here, maybe evidence of another world or plane of existence? what if what we see as a face and take as an optical illusion really is a face and is watching us, or allowing us to see it?

so i will do another audio post shortly, if nothing else because i want to try and speak at a normal human speed and not like some idiot on speed, and i have some ideas and it's fun and i'm too lazy to type. also i secretly hope deryke leaves another audio comment....did you all hear deryke's audio comment on my audio post? now THAT guy has a cool voice and is funny.

i'm not gay or anything, but deryke is so honestly talented and cool, i would totally suck his dick or let him fuck me. i'm just sayin....

Thursday, April 14, 2005

suck my muppet juice

some people think it's cozy to wake up to birds chirping, but at 4:30 in the morning, when the birds sound like a sqeaky bed in a whorehouse, it's not so goddamn cute.

when meeting someone's wife for the first time, no matter how witty you think it might be, you shouldn't say "wow, you look a lot different with your clothes on."

when discussing recipes, it is sometimes fun to say "a friend of mine living in alaska just sent me some penguins, all dressed and ready to cook, does anyone have any good recipes for penguin?"

ok, so i am about to take part in a crime, but those i am committing the crime against forced me into it, and the more i think about it, the less i think it's really a crime.

without going into specifics, i want to buy a movie but they just don't sell the damn thing on the internet. well, via amazon, i could buy used copies from people, but not brand new ones. so a friend of mine is downloading it off the internet and will burn me a copy for my viewing pleasure. i would have gladly bought the damn thing, but they aren't selling. but it got me thinking about the whole piracy issue....

ok, i go to the store and buy a movie, everyone gets a cut somewhere along the way, all is legal. i get bored with it and decide to sell it at a garage sale, which is perfectly legal, some buy buys it from me and i buy crack with the money and smoke it all away. the movie industry doesn't get a damn cent. i buy used tapes and cds and all that, the artists dont get anything for it, yet it's legal. so someone buys a movie, then puts it on the internet and i download it for free. hell, i will paypal the guy five bucks, either way, the industry gets nothing for it. how is downloading a movie free different than buying it used off someone, when it comes to the financial concerns of the industry involved? just wondering....

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

i'm playing ball in the leche league

it is about ten minutes to eight in the evening and i'm listening to marylin manson croon his lilting soft melodies as i write this. you might get it, you might not. reach out and touch faith...

here is the deal...i feel like a domesticated puma who just realized he has claws and decided to drag his gay german handler off to become a meal. yeah i mixed metaphors, what choo gonna do about it? next motherfucker's gonna get my metal....

woke up today and it was raining, which is god's way of getting down behind me and pushing me over so i fall on my ass, then putting a big "kick me" sign on my back as he helps me up. getting to work today it was like someone kicked over the anthill, like the concert just let out, there were people all the fuck over, on bikes, walking, cars...and hey, hiramoto, a little observation if i may...your umberella isn't doing shit for you as you ride your bicycle in the rain, your tires are kicking up any rain that isn't hitting you despite you holding onto an umberella as you ride your bicycle. be obscene, be be obscene....

my boss is watching some guy's dog, and has to take the dog out to shit. the dog hates him and stands on the couch and barks and growls the whole time my boss is in the house. i can't blame the dog, i would do the same thing at work if it didn't land me in a shrink's office. so the boss figures out if he shakes the scooby snack bag with the treats in it, the dog will follow him outside and shit. the boss is so happy about this he has to come into our little cubicles and regale us with his tale of victory. oh so proud moments. much much later i go off to the bathroom, and pass his office, and there he is on the phone telling god knows who about his story. all i can think of is "kind of sad if, after rising to such heights and establishing superiority, you are reduced to telling anyone who will listen how you got some dog, who isn't even yours, to shit. we're all stars now in the dope show....

been getting into Good Riddance lately. when i listen to them it makes me long for the chaos of the moshpit, it makes me want to do tailwhips on my bmx bike, it makes me want to jump around, jump up jump up and get down (yeah, house of pain, i know, whatever). good riddance did a remake of the kinks' "come dancing" and i like it, but it got me thinking about all the covers that are done, not to mention Me First and the Gimme Gimmes who only do covers (and i think they kick ass). is doing covers a tribute to good songwriting or is it riding on the coattails of those more talented, or filling in the valleys of noncreativity? if i were to do a "tribute" to shakespear, and pretty much just write "macbeth" word for word, maybe put my fingerprint on it like this....

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted retarded morons
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, some fag
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by a fucktard, full of piss and vinnegar,
Signifying nada. motherfucker. ”

could i call it a cover? and what will that get me? laughed at and ridiculed and slapped with a plagerism rap. don't get me wrong, i dig all the covers by all the bands, i was just wondering what others think of it. are you motherfucking ready for the new shit........

i seem to have softened up lately, and i don't like the pablum i am spewing. really. the stories are cute, scroll down and read them, comment as you see fit, but they are not me. so i was thinking of just saying fuck it and writing the way i used to, writing what was on my mind, the way i want, not worrying about writing for anyone. same old question everyone has...why do i blog? well, i keep saying i am doing this for me, and i am, but i am too cognizant of others reading, and while i do want to please, i think i would best please by putting into action advice from yoda his little green badass self. try not. do or do not. there is no try. so from now on, i think i will just do. time for cake and sodomy.....

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