funeral for my immortal friend

hey everyone, mother's day is soon upon us, and what are you gonna do? give her a stupid teddy bear? she isn't a four year old. you gonna take her to fucking IHOP or Denny's for breakfast? Puh-leeez...

give her a gift that she will happily remember for the rest of her life, a gift full of originality and whimsey, a gift to maker her feel yong and wonderful...

give her the gift of being RAVAGED (trade mark pending).

so i was thinking, i am going to start my own ravaging service, where you can call and make an appointment to be ravaged by me. i will come to your home, office, or wherever, and ravage you as you want to be ravaged. it will be totally customized to your needs, and you get a free t-shirt included in the deal that says "I'VE BEEN RAVAGED" so you can flaunt it and rub it in your friends' faces, showing them you are so desireable that i came all the way to wherever you are just to ravage you.....

you would have to fill out a questoinaire, with sample questions like:

1. i want to be ravaged : at home____ at work______ other______

2. i want my ravaging to be: gentle____ rough but romantic_____ other______

3. i want marks left on my: neck____ inside thigh_____ other_______ none________

and you will have to include your t-shirt size and if you want me to bring breakable things, for example dishes, so i can sweep the dishes off the table before i ravage you on it. you might have to wear old clothes that you won't mind if i rip off of you, and you will have to tell me if you have a heart condition or any alergies.

i think it would be a great gift for mother's day, and also birthdays and anniversaries...heck, anytime really...

a great public service brought to you by the good people at retarius industries...