Monday, February 28, 2005

orpine cappuccino

i decided to make some mango chutney, to liven things up a bit and add some zing to my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. every book, tv show, recipe, whatever clearly states *CAUTION*: WEAR RUBBER GLOVES WHEN HANDLING CHILES. yeah, whatever, you never see old mexican ladies wearing rubber gloves. well, i don't, but then again, i never see old mexican ladies, but i cut up the scotch bonnets without worrying about something as stupid as rubber gloves and proceed to make the chutney. yes, i washed my hands thoroughly. twice. with soap. so i mix all the ingrediants, simmer it all up for a while, then i have to cool it off, and i am not a patient kind of guy, having been raised on sesame street and taught that if it takes more than 50 seconds, it is old and time to move on to something new. so i decide to take the pot outside and wave it around to cool it off. if anyone saw me, they would think i am doing some wierd ritual, like a priest with the incense at church. there i am, holding a pot of something, turning around in circles, heat coming from the pot. then, mensa candidate that i am, it occurs to me that since i've been standing in this one spot, i've probably heated that spot on the earth up, and i should move to a cooler spot three feet away. so there i am, doing some wierd elaborate dance with a smoking pot, moving around looking for the really really cool spot in my small back yard, as if one spot is cooler than the rest of it, like the warm spot in the pool, only in reverse. i am a freak.

the stuff cools down enough to put in a jar and put in the fridge, and now it is time to take out the contact lenses. so, i once again wash my hands thoroughly for the third time, because when dealing with the eyes and contact lenses, cleanliness is important. i reach up to take out my right contact lens, and...
CHEMICAL WARFARE!!!!! i am on the ground in about a half of a nano-second, screaming, my eye has been doused with concentrated sulfuric acid. oh, wait, that must be some kind of residual capsaicum from the god damn scotch bonnet habanero, even though time and hand washing has happened. as i roll around on the floor in pain, i bang my head alternately on the wall and the cabinet (i have a narrow bathroom) so i am taking head blows as my eye continue to be burnt to a useless blob. i muster the strenght to stand up, and attack my eyes with water. eventually, i manage to peel off the contact lens that is fusing to my eye, and i stand there, eye still smouldering, red and puffy like i have been punched repeatedly AND have pink eye. my vision is blurry, my head hurts, i am crashing from the adreneline rush, and all i could think of is...."one more eye to go."

so i took a shower with my new lemongrass scented shampoo. i then used my coconut body wash. now i smell like thai soup. if i could only find chicken scented deoderant, i could complete the dish, and walk around making everyone hungry for thai food. why don't they just make pizza scented shampoo or roast lamb scented bodywash? that would rock.

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