Saturday, February 19, 2005

saturday morning, 5:38 am, sun's not even up yet. why am i? cause my mind thinks if i lay in bed i might miss something, so i have to get up.

it snowed last night, there is a whipped cream topping on grass and trees, the roads are clear, but it looks calming and peaceful, at least from the quiet inside of my dwelling.

there are no right or wrong ways to live, we all end up the same, and life is a very temporary gig, no matter how long we think 80 years is. there are, however, admirable qualities and better ways of going about life, and sadly, i don't have them, or at least the ways i go about it don't seem to me to be the better ones. when i begin to feel overwhelmed, i shut down, i ignore, i back away, and i assume it's my way of controlling the overflow. when faced with an onslaught of things, if i back away and shut down, i can approach them one at a time, and not be outnumbered, however, this leads to a backup of things, because life doesn't pause, and i run the risk of letting something fall through the cracks and move on unaddressed. it would be better if i just dealt with things as they came up.

none of this makes sense. but it's what was on my mind today.

lately i have been thinking, dreaming, planning, fantasizing about getting a track bike. track bikes are the purest form of bicycles, no gears, no brakes, just a frame, wheels, handlebars, chain, sprocket and peddels. sleek, basic, it would be a zen master sort of bike, pared down to the bare minimum. there is no coasting on a track bike, if the wheels are moving, the pedals are moving. there is a lesson in that. riding a track bike makes you way more aware of your surroundings, you are more alert, you flow, not much stopping and starting, you are constantly moving and like water you find the best path and take it. many bike messengers use track bikes. i think the track bike is definately the way to go. perhaps i might hear god while i ride?

today i shall attempt to bake a loaf of bread. i will read. i will maybe do laundry. i should not ignore life, i should jump in and do what i need to do, but i can't shake the feeling that much of it doesn't matter. i call it "realizing the value and worth of an action" but really i am just rationalizing me being lazy and irresponsible. i know the person i want to be, but i don't want to be him hard enough to actually change and be him. hmmmmm.

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