kick ash wednesday

i long to lay in your dark embrace
kiss your blood red lips
you take me to that place
where only angels go
and devils pine
your legs around my hips
nails scratch my tattoed spine

what if you continued to have deja vu, and it seemed the more intense the moment, the more violent and chaotic the molecules in that time/space were, the more frequent and long lasting and closer to reality the deja-vu was? what if, life as you know it were actually only a shell, and we lived in memories, asleep. as if what we percieve as an intense moment, heart pounding, palms sweating, was actually our conscious coming to the surface, "waking up" to see as we really are, and the deja vu is not a misfiring of the synapses, causing the present to be catologued into the long term memory and rememberd as it happens, as believed, but actually a glimpse into time iteself. as i write this, i am having a deja vu, tell me, as you read this are you? so, am i just fatiuged, and brain weary, or did i honestly get a quick glimpse, did i come close to the surface, like someone trapped beneath the ice who can see the world above, mere centimeters away, yet an eternity, a lifetime, out of reach.

sweet, sour, salty, spicy, these are the things our tongues crave. add lime and peanuts, with some rotten fish liquid, and you have the makings of a tasty treat.

so today i embark on a vegetarian journey, and it won't be the first time. i use lent as the excuse, i use losing extra fat most likely caused by meat as the excuse, but really, i just feel like fucking with my body. they say (who are the "they"?) that if you eat nothing but celery for three days you poop clear. imagine translucent shit. how wierd would that be? i highly doubt you could, but damn, if you could, that would rock. i assume if you ate nothing but celery, colored red, or blue, or whatever, you would poop that color. imagine taking a huge yellow shit. if shit were a different color, would it still be disgusting, not counting the smell?

so today begins lent. for you non-catholics, and you catholics who don't follow along with the rest of us, lent is the 40 day period leading up to easter, when we celebrate the fact that jesus was crucified, died, buried in a cave, and emerged, risen from the dead, three days later...and if he sees his shadow we get two more weeks of winter. most people think of lent as a time we have to give up stuff, like booze or spanking it, or whatever. me, i start drinking and smoking for lent, cause lent is a time of sacrifice and denial, and smoking and drinking hurts me, so i get my suffering in, and i think that counts.

i am tired and need to sleep, today drained the fuck right out of me, it was right up there as far as bad days go. for anyone who reads this, sorry i haven't responded to your notes, please don't think i take them for granted, i appreciate each one, but i am just feeling a bit....stand-offish, a bit of a recluse, like the dog who is hiding behind the toilet and does not want you to pet him. i was not going to post but i felt like typing, so i did.

i've been thinking lately of a conversation i had with this way hot chick that i want to do. i told her i felt like i was in a slump, and she said somehting to the effect of "write what you feel like, be jackson pollack" and it stuck with me, struck a chord like kirk hammet or steve vai. so, what i kind of want to do is just....type stuff, free form, see what happens, make the screen my canvas and be a verbal jackson pollack. i kind of do that a bit now, i think, maybe i dont', but i shall, some day soon, just do that.

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